Oh whoops, I went and opened it.
Well, things can get a little heated on Facebook. So I retreat to my humble blog, where I can speak my mind – where I am literally “in my domain.”
I believe in a thing called love. The real thing, mind you – not what Hollywood calls love; not the “chemistry” that comes from being with someone, that “urge to merge” (as my mother would say). Nah, I mean that the kind of love that leads to…
We live in a pretty messed up world. People are in the business of hurting each other. There are countless reasons a relationship will fail – but are there ways to make a relationship succeed?
What I’m noticing is this: some people do believe in love; they get into a relationship, but sometimes with the wrong person. The result? After being badly hurt, they make the decision to remove themselves from a bad situation. Fair enough. In these cases, probably hindsight is 20/20. We simply don’t have the kind of cultural environment and societal structure to help us to first of all grow into people who are looking to give into a relationship more than they are looking for someone to fill their own needs, and second, to have us grow up in communities where our potential spouse is not a stranger to the wider community. In previous generations, and in other cultures, there has been the advantage of young people marrying into families well-known to their own; the character of their future spouse was not a secret. It is very possible that if our own society operated this way, we might often avoid the heartache of entering into a relationship only to find that our partner is actually violent, or lazy, or unfaithful.
But for many others in our generation (in particular), love is a feeling. “Forever” means “until things get hard.” Hollywood tells us that the “right one” won’t have annoying habits, won’t pick fights, won’t make life difficult for us. And if they do? Then they’re not the right one. And that’s what makes me sad. I know things won’t always work out in the above mentioned circumstances, but here? What excuse is there? The reason is this is how we’re brought up – but does that really fly as an excuse?
There are beautiful, well-matched couples out there breaking up because of conflicts. Because of petty fights. Because he wants this, but she wants that. We live in a selfish “me” generation, and if it isn’t going right for me, then you’ve gotta go. So people throw their hands up in the air and say they just can’t resolve it, that it’s all too hard. They don’t know what they throw away when they do that.
The response we’ve been taught to have is to cry, then sigh and say “oh well – I’m moving on to better things.” That tends to entail another doomed relationship, and another, and so on until death do we part from this world and its ways.
In my mind, the dumbest thing is this: people shake their heads and say, “well that’s just the way it is.” They sit in their heartache and loneliness and say they wouldn’t have done it any other way – perhaps believing there is no other way, at least none that offers a better outcome. What a lie.
What I have with my fiance? There’s nothing magical, nothing particularly special about that. We’re not more compatible than other couples, we don’t necessarily get along better. There’s been times we’ve both wanted to walk away and never come back. We’ve had fights – big ones, too. We’ve had conflicts, both personal and between families. We’ve wanted different things out of life, had different ideas about how to do things, been stubborn and obstinate about changing.
Somehow, we’ve made it through. And that wasn’t by chance. It was by hard work, it was by laying aside selfish wants – even needs – and being determined to make it work. We’ve had counselling, we’ve surrounded ourselves with older mentors, younger couples.
We’re not special or different. We don’t have anything that isn’t common to everyone. So it makes me sad that people don’t fight – don’t realise that the fight is most often against our own selves. Because the result….. is worth the world. Is worth giving up what you want, sometimes.
You don’t always get instant reciprocation. That’s the hard part – doing something out of love, mingled with hope that the other person will see what you’re doing and change what they’re doing. You can’t change anyone else. They have to make that choice – and that can take time, and patience. It means running the risk that your feelings are going to be hurt – and that’s what our generation really struggles with. Why should we put up with that? Because that short term pain can lead to a relationship more deeply loving and supportive than you could ever have imagined.
I believe in love. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.
This stuff is fabulous! I’m very choosy with my facial cleansers – I don’t want to slather a whole lot of chemicals on my face, and I don’t want to dry out my skin or clog my pores.
A lot of people tell me there’s not much point paying for expensive Tupperware, when you can get the same thing much cheaper in the supermarket. However, you actually can’t get the same thing in the supermarket!